Dear doctor, Oh help me, please doctor, I'm damaged There's a pain where there once was a heart It's sleepin, it's a beatin' Can't ya please tear it out And preserve it right there in that jar? Oh help me, please mama, I'm sick'ning It's today that's the day of the plunge Oh the gal I'm to marry is a bow-legged sow I've been soakin' up drink like a sponge "Don't ya worry, get dressed," cried my mother As she plied me with bourbon so sour Pull your socks up, put your suit on Comb your long hair down, For you will be wed in the hour So help me, please doctor, I'm damaged There's a pain where there once was a heart I'm sleepin, it's a beatin' Can't ya please take it out, And preserve it right there in that jar? Yup! Oh help me, please doctor, I'm damaged There's a pain where there once was a heart It's sleepin, it's a beatin' Can't ya please tear it out, And preserve it right there in that jar? I was tremblin', as I put on my jacket It had creases as sharp as a knife I put the ring in my pocket but there was a note And my heart it jumped into my mouth It read, "Darlin', I'm sorry to hurt you. But I have no courage to speak to your face. But I'm down in Virginia with your cousin Lou There be no wedding today." So help me, please doctor, I'm damaged You can put back my heart in its hole Oh mama, I'm cryin' tears of relief And my pulse is now under control! Yup!